I never feel comfortable having birthdays

I never feel comfortable having birthdays, but it seems I can’t decide whether to have it or not- I might decide to celebrate it but it doesn’t change much my feelings. It was never my intention to attempt definitive account of how I feel the day before my birthday- but I have always felt like I have no control. As I grew older and more conscious about myself, about what I’d like to do, the situation sometimes makes me feel inadequate, and it starts being necessary to start writing in order to fix ideas, to become panoramic.

Maybe there is a part of me that considers, as me being an aspiring writer, I should be doing more . . . I don’t know – insisting more? Writing more?  

I might have considered the writing issue too many times, the unfathomable thing about it- my desire it being my job- in the last three years, is that you never know whether you’ll be loved or not. You never know if you be successful. You just have to be doing it every day as exercise. I don’t seem to have forgotten about my dream,  but I’ve wondered how  can somebody who doesn’t know  me could be interested in my life, in my tales? All I offer are feelings, reveries,  and I admit I can’t give the sort of conversation you usually hear in glamour bars, nor in the most visited blogs, let alone the sort that I rarely take part in parties. And I’ve never been very interested in gossip.

You’d think I might love discussing of some of these issues about life, feelings. Well, not really. I seldom rehearse details about me, about how I feel, but I do listen to others a lot, and accurately. I sometimes wish I talked more. Plus, in week-ends, flatmates are away, and  I talk even less than usual, I sort of live in silence. Only when I write, it seems to me language exists, that words exist, they give a form to feelings and they mean something. To me. How I wish words told me now how to be feeling, to be doing the day before my birthday. But fortunately this day is expiring in 30 minutes, and I’ll watch the passing minutes become my birthday.